Last month, when my parents were driving back from my uncle’s house outside the city, they encountered a moose on a remote road in the forest, my father, who was the driver, swerved at a high speed and hit into a tree, they both died on scene. Because it wasn’t a very often used road, they were only discovered the next day by a passerby.
My sister has been staying with my grandmother who I’m not a great fan of. She would hit me when I was a kid, most of the time deservedly so, but also a lot of time unjustified. She said that she doesn’t want to adopt my sister so the next option was me, I agreed to it without question, we are very close and in the end she’s my family and I love her to the end of the world.
My sister moved in with my GF and 2 weeks ago, obviously she’s very scarred from what happened to our parents, we were both very close to them and they were great people. She still doesn’t really talk much, only to me and sometimes my GF. We take her to therapy twice a week and there are improvements, even in such a short amount of time.
Yesterday, after I stayed with my sister in her bed until she fall asleep, I went to my and my GF’s room, she said that we have to talk about this situation. She said that we don’t really have time for each other since my sister moved in. It’s a fair point, we’ve only had sex once and that was when my sister was away, and even then I wasn’t really into it at all. She said I should re-consider the adoption and maybe hand her over to my uncle and aunt. I refused, they’re already busy as it is, my uncle isn’t allowed to work because of a heart condition and because he didn’t work long before being diagnosed, his disability fund isn’t very big, my aunt works at a retirement home and that obviously doesn’t pay great. They also pay for my cousin’s university expenses while juggling taking care of my younger cousin, who’s only 5. My GF is in her last year of university so we don’t have much money either, I luckily found a job after university in my field that pays pretty good but it’s been tough financially though soon enough I will start receiving funds from the government for adopting my sister.
My GF said that she isn’t ready to become a “mother” and over all having all these responsibilities of a parent which I can understand, it’s tough and said that it’s been putting a big strain on our relationship, which again is valid. Before, we’d get back from work and university and be off for the day, but now we have to pick my sister up from school, drive her to the therapist and also take care of her a lot when she’s home, she doesn’t like to be alone. I told her that while she makes valid points, all of that goes out the window when this is my sister, I can’t just throw her away because it’s not easy, it won’t be easy and that I have to ride it out but that she doesn’t, it probably wasn’t the right thing this say because it set her off, and she said that if I had to choose between my sister and her, who I would pick. I didn’t answer and we got into a bit of a verbal fight after which I went to sleep on the couch, and I kind of broke down from everything that has been going on lately.
I should like to add that my GF and I have been together for 9 years, she knew my parents and they loved her, she also knows my sister from birth and I just can’t understand how she could make me pick between them, I love both of them and I don’t want to lose either of them.
When I got up in the morning i was already getting late for my sister therapy session so i dropped her to the therapist and came back home. So we ended up talking about it for a while, and this is how it went down.
At first my GF apologized profusely for the other night, she said she acted like a spoiled little sh*t and that it wasn’t acceptable at all. I told her that I still love her the same even though what she said was hurtful, and that I understand it’s a huge jump for her and explained to her that she doesn’t need to be a mother, just a friend or big sister to my sister and that I don’t want to push any responsibilities on her, and said that if she’d like to, we could both take a break from each other to process this, she refused and said she processed it and admitted that what she said was a result of everything changing so quickly but she doesn’t want or need a break because she realized she was in the wrong. She said that she regretted what she said almost immediately but thought that the damage was done, and that I will break up with her and she was scared to approach me because of that.
Next she told me that she didn’t mean to make me pick between them, and said herself that if someone posed her that question if she was in that situation, she would drop them and was thankful for me withholding that decision until we had a talk about it. She said it arose from her feeling distanced from me, and jealousy that I was spending a lot of time with my sister but had to spend less with her as a result. She understands why though, it’s necessary I take care of my sister while she’s hurting and said she wishes to help me with that as much as she can and that she would like to help me get through this as well. She admitted that for the past 13 years, I’ve been her everything and that for those two weeks she thought she’s losing me, and it terrified her but after talking about it with some of her close friends, she saw that she wasn’t losing me, just that a very important thing popped up in my life that had to be taken care of and it was gonna take a lot of my attention which was previously focused mostly on her.
She said that she wants me to know I can depend on her in terms of responsibility about my sister and that she will do her best to be good to my sister, and I can see that, compared to yesterday or the day before, my GF really tried with my sister today, initiated conversations with her and helped her out with homework and picking out some clothes before going to the therapist today. It was as if seeing my GF go from being a child to an adult in a matter of a day. I also admitted some of my faults, such as neglecting her over the past few weeks, although unintentionally I realise it can have an impact on a person and also not really giving her that much of a say on the matter whether my sister will come here to stay.
We came up with a few thing, namely that we must definitely go to therapy sooner than later, she suggested leaving my sister with my aunt and uncle for a few hours over the weekend while we go and sort that out, and also that we need to be able to balance our time more efficiently, so we can have at least a bit more time to reconnect with each other. Then she told me that she’s sorry for not helping me grieve or finding time to do that and that our fight was a wake up call for her not being supportive enough of me through what happened recently and that she will do whatever she can to make up for her oversteppings recently. It was at this point that the whole entire month hit, like a train. I cried a lot while she was hugging me and giving me words of reassurance and comfort through the whole thing while allowing me to release what I’ve been holding onto this past month. This was my GF as I knew her, a very caring and loving person.
When I came back home with my sister, we all played cards and I just felt like we were a family, it’s a good feeling. As of the time that I’m writing this, I put my sister to sleep and today she didn’t take much time to fall asleep at all, she pretty much drifted off after a forehead kiss and some cuddling. I’m in the living room on the couch right now, my girlfriend is taking a shower and we’re planning to watch a movie together.
One thing I learned from this ordeal is that communication, especially in times of stress like this is vital, and that before making important decisions, it’s good to talk to your partner and see if they maybe have a explanation for what they did, but also being ready for the worst.